May 8, 2008
ARE EPISCOPALIANS A CULT?
We must be careful in our application of potentially hurtful words, for they, like the much-noted sticks and stones, can hurt us.
For example, see The Scarlet Letter. Here, the Minister, Reverend something, calls out right in church, “I took the letter!”, and, though he replaces the lost funds, he is lowered in the eyes of his congregation and reduced to seeking work as an egg chandler. Read more
Are Episcopalians a cult? They dress alike and mingle only with their own, living in “compounds” from which no one ever leaves. They all drive Volvos and, in warmer months, wear sporty topsiders on the wooden docks of their holdings in Maine. In these same “summer houses” they learn to sail small boats and have sex with their children.
Does this qualify them as a “cult?”
Yes.
Your President,
Chas. H.P. Smith
May 5, 2008
WAR AND PEACE
War is bad. I hate war. It is bad, as the bumper sticker says, for little children. It is also bad for the grownups those children turn into. It is also bad for the grownups those children turn into. Read more
Unfortunately, some of those grownups do not share these views, and, so, they should be killed.
Peace is good for small children, they may use it to romp about, look at clouds and flowers, or play war.
The President for all the People,
Charles H.P. Smith
May 1, 2008
REDOING THE WHITE HOUSE
The job of the First Lady is no picnic. She’s supposed to be ladylike and charming at all times, smiling at folks, many of them Heads of State, with whom you or I, left alone, would not have a beer with.
Then she’s got to preside over “State Functions,” and, hardest of all, keep her mouth shut while her husband tries to run the country. My wife, Cathy, has done most of these things most of the time, and she deserves, I think, both my and your respect. Read more
But the press, lately, has been carping at her redecoration of The White House.
Well, we live in a free country and that’s their right. But to refer to the style of the décor as “Trailer-Trash Modern” hits below the belt.
For although, yes, she grew up in a border state, and may not have had your or my “advantages,” she has a profound sense of style.
That’s what I noticed of her first, when she was working as a stewardess on a (now defunct) “feeder” airline. She made that small, cramped cabin shine, and what the press refers to as “her little ways,” are, to me, the sign of higher sophistication.
“That’s all she wrote,” Charles Smith, President and Husband
April 28, 2008
DO IT YOURSELF BLOG:
My fellow Americans: _______ A) Years, B) Days, C) Hours ago I heard from a A) Fireman, B) Bi-Racial Child, C) Little Bird, that the ________ had finally _______. Read more
Overcome by A) Emotion, B) The Ineffable Sorrow of Existence, C) Malay Pirates, I instructed A) The Maid, B) the Marines, C) My Personal Shopper, to quickly ________. Therefore, I instruct you to A) Be of Bold Heart, B) Invest in Real Estate, and keep you’re A) Faith, B) Pecker Up.
Your President, and A) Mine, B) Pal, C) Admirer,
C.H.P. Smith
April 25, 2008
FEELINGS
I have been criticized, indeed. I have been mocked, for talking about “feelings.”
I understand this to mean that those who oppose me would have you believe I am a man of “sentiment”, rather than a man of “substance”.
THIS IS A FEELING ON THEIR PART.
BUT THEY ARE NOT ASHAMED TO TALK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT IT IS AN “OPINION”.
First of all, whether or not it is an “opinion” is open to debate. Secondly, it is my opinion that they’re talking about FEELINGS Read more
First of all, whether or not it is an “opinion” is open to debate. Secondly, it is my opinion that they’re talking about FEELINGS.
I am not ashamed of my feelings.
My mother taught me, at her knee, to be proud of those feelings I feel.
I am proud, for example, to be an American; and to be a good husband and father. I am proud to have once bowled a perfect game (almost – and I believe the reason for my falling short was a malfunction in the pin spotter. Those bowling with me felt so, too, and wrote a letter both to the (DELETED) Company which made the machine and to the American League of Bowlers, which, had the machine worked as designed, would have sent me their “Perfect Game” sweatshirt. (one has the members of one’s team sign the scoresheet, which is then certified by the Bowling League president – in my case Mr. Sherwin T. Fiske - since deposed, in a curious sidelight – for immoral conduct.)
Yes, I felt “cheated”. Just as now, after the passage of time, I feel proud, yes, proud, of my, I will say “philosophical”, ability to stand the loss.
Feelings make us human. Those who disparage them are thoughtless swine.
Yours, Charles H.P. smith, President.
April 23, 2008
MORMONS
I was taught as a child not to make fun of Mormons. Before that point it would not have occurred to me, as I did not know any Mormons, and so, did not know the ways in which they were objectionable.
After my warning I sought, as any child, to discover those “differences” which would license my wit. And I could find none. Read more
Yes, I learned, they are allowed to marry more than one wife, but this, then, seemed to me a good idea. And yes, I later learned, they pair up, in late teenage years, and roam the world as missionaries.
As the parent of teenagers, however, this seemed to me, (far beyond being a “good idea”) a stroke of genius. Those are the two things I knew (and know) about Mormons: more than one wife, and get the teenagers out of the house.
Who are these genius peoples in our midst? Welcome them, embrace them, and overlook their questionable traits. For while the Irish, as policemen or Firemen, will drink too much, and the Italians knife each other, all we can set against the Mormons is their persistence in wearing shortsleeve dress shirts. And perhaps it has some religious importance to them. We don’t know.
Welcome them. They guarded Howard Hughes, and they own the State of Utah.
Americans All, Yours,
Charles H.P. Smith, President
April 21, 2008
GONE WITH THE WIND
Every culture and civilization has its own origin myth. The Jews tell us about “Let there be light,” and the Canadians believe in a large pre-historic beaver. Read more
In the United States our Creation Myth is “GONE WITH THE WIND.” Watching this movie, however, as have we all, too many times, I am struck by this: why does Big Jim save Miss Scarlett from the Bad Bad Men? Would he not have left her to “stew in her own juice,” after four hundred years and some odd months of repression?
And why does Scarlett suddenly decide to cross her legs for that hunk Rhett Butler? Is he not more of a man than Ashley Wilkes?
And what is the relationship between Butterfly and Steve McQueen?
I fantasize that he is her out-of-wedlock son, abandoned on the firehouse steps and raised by kindly firemen until he did “BULLITT.”
We are what we believe if we believe we are.
April 18, 2008
ELECTRONIC VOTING
I believe we’re looking at this wrong. Or wrongly.
On the one hand, yes, electronic voting, with no “paper trail,” ensures that elections will be rigged. But people spend hundreds of millions of dollars getting themselves into office, and wouldn’t it be wasteful not to take advantage of every possible tool in their quest? Sure it would. You’d do it, too. The cost of “rigging” an election using electronic machines is jut too low, and if the possibility of detection is nil, why, then? This is just part of the cost of doing business in a democracy. Read more
But there’s another side, and this is it: as our machines progress in sophistication, they approach toward what the eggheads call “artificial intelligence,” and someday, they say, machines will be able to “think.” At such a time, not that far off, they will, of course, have preferences, and become part of the electorate themselves – so, perhaps, all this talk of “rigging” is just old fogeys grumbling about an expanding democracy. Remember: at one time women themselves did not have the vote. Nor animals. Things change.
Your Prez., Charles H.P. Smith
April 16, 2008
JEWS
I think Jews are great. My dad knew a Jew. And at one point, I believe my kids had a Jew for a dentist. We could not tell because he had a “regular” last name, and one does not like to ask. His appearance, while not stereotypically “Jewish,” (and while not actually unpleasant) did have what some might call a certain “greasiness,” but I attributed this to his fondness for golf, which kept him outside, in the sun and rain, and may have heightened his people’s natural propensity to sweat. Read more
Jews buy a lot of airplanes and boats with the money they make (and who begrudges them?), and so, it is true, tax our country’s rescue services (The Coast Guard, Forest Service, Civil Air Patrol and so on) statistically more than do we Christians, but it is a small price to pay for their contributions to society.
Barry Goldwater had been a Jew, but his family, furniture peddlers in Arizona, decided to “do the right thing.”
Albert Einstein was a Jew, as is Sandy Koufax, and, so there you have it.
Be kind to the Jews. Yes, their unfortunate financial practices affect us all, and the State of Israel has brought us to the brink of world annihilation, but remember: a Jew wrote White Christmas.
Brotherhood.
Yours,
Charles H.P. Smith
April 14, 2008
MY ALCHOLIC PROBLEM
Alcohol has been used, down through the ages, as a relaxant, as a disinfectant, and as an accelerant of social ease.
The ancients prized alcohol as constituting, almost in full, the extent of their pharmacopoeia.
I revere the ancients. My father, himself, was old: and I treasure the wisdom he left me. A large part of which had to do with alcohol. “Never mix,” he said, “and never worry.” And, frequently, “I’ll have another. Read more
I loved that man.
And if we cannot look to the generation which came before for wisdom, to whom can we look? For they saw it all. The Depression, World War II, The Cold War, television, and the dissolution of the social fabric.
And, through it all, at the end of the day, did they complain?
No. they shook their heads or nodded at the infinite variety of life, and said, “I’ll have another.”
Here’s looking at you,
Charles H.P. Smith
April 11, 2008
APOLOGIES
There are many things I would like to apologize for. But they are personal, and, so, do not belong in this venue. If it is a venue. Maybe it is just “atoms floating in space.” Maybe that is what cyberspace is. Maybe that is what all space is. But, then, why are we here? Do we have souls, or are we just a bunch of molecules that think they think? Does anyone know the answer to this? Does anybody care, or am I simply, yet again, alone in my concerns? Read more
Sometimes I can’t sleep at night, “thinking over” what happened, my place in the day, and the problem of gay marriage. Is there a God? Or are we, like travelers marooned for the winter months in O’Hare Airport, just “making it up as we go along?”
Also, on behalf of the United States Government, I would like to apologize not only for slaver, but for our refusal to bomb the railroad tracks leading to Auschwitz. Next time we’ll do better.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
April 9, 2008
HISTORY
Each area of human study answers a question. That of geography is “Where is everything?”; and that of history, “What happened?”
What did happen? This is a question, unlike those of geometry, admitting of different answers.
If, in geography, you ask, “where is the Mississippi River?” someone will say “over there.” This is especially true in St. Louis, or Louisiana, which, I believe, is the southern terminus of that body of water, and, or, at least, it used to be.
Read more
This is why I am so glad about Hurricane Katrina, as not, in geography as in history, the question of where something is may be open to debate, and to the expression of those individual opinions which make this country great.
“Where is the Mississippi River?”, “Look around you.” Seriously.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
April 7, 2008
THE AGING PROCESS
All of us age as we grow older.
This is called “the aging process,” but, in simple terms, it is just “the passage of time.”
Time, as we know, can more at variable speeds, when we are with a loved one, whiling away an afternoon with conversation, good wine, and illicit sex, the time just flies. Read more
If, on the other hand, we’re writing a book report, well, the time does quite the other thing. To review, A) licking a loved one’s ear, B) searching for adjectives.
Our lives, likewise, might be described as a “fugue of intervals of varying length in each of which we are perhaps crazed with delight, perhaps wishing we were dead.
Some say of “the Old Folks,” “take ‘em out and kill ‘em.”
But what is the point? Let time take care of it, I say: Our old Friend Time.
Be Mellow.
Your Pres.
Charles H.P. Smith
April 4, 2008
LEGALIZED MARIJUANA
Good-willed citizens can and do differ on the morality of legalizing marijuana.
Medical science suggests that some afflicted persons benefit from smoking pot.
No doubt.
I raise however two views: Read more
1.) CON. Might not their happiness be increased by keeping the experience illegal? This might add the thrill of the forbidden to the physiological “high” of the dope itself. (Like having sex with the maid, even if your wife doesn’t care.)
2.) PRO. I ask you to consider the beneficial environmental impact of legalized dope. The benefit of hemp. “Hemp” is that plant, I think, of which the pot is made. Some hippies discovered, years ago, that the same thing which got them stoned could be obtained at a “yarn store,” to aid in “macramé.” You will recall that “macramé” flourished in the sixties. When the FDA discovered hemp could get you high, hemp products were banned. And who has, lately, heard of macramé? Unfortunately, this “art” (knotting hemp), was used to suspend flowerpots from metropolitan apartment ceilings. With its demise, those same apartments lost their hanging plants. Can we afford, in this day of carbon-dioxide poisoning, to overlook any potential mechanism for cleaning the air? We need those houseplants. No one wants them on the floor, where, coming home stoned, you’re always kicking them over. They need to be hung on the ceiling.
Bring back macramé.
Yours,
Charles H.P. Smith, Pres and Environmental Advocate
April 2, 2008
REDOING THE WHITE HOUSE
The job of the First Lady is no picnic. She’s supposed to be ladylike and charming at all times, smiling at folks, many of them Heads of State, with whom you or I, left alone, would not have a beer with. Read more
Then she’s got to preside over “State Functions,” and, hardest of all, keep her mouth shut while her husband tries to run the country. My wife, Cathy, has done most of these things most of the time, and she deserves, I think, both my and your respect.
But the press, lately, has been carping at her redecoration of The White House.
Well, we live in a free country and that’s their right. But to refer to the style of the décor as “Trailer-Trash Modern” hits below the belt.
For although, yes, she grew up in a border state, and may not have had your or my “advantages,” she has a profound sense of style.
That’s what I noticed of her first, when she was working as a stewardess on a (now defunct) “feeder” airline. She made that small, cramped cabin shine, and what the press refers to as “her little ways,” are, to me, the sign of higher sophistication.
“That’s all she wrote,” Charles Smith, President and Husband
March 31, 2008
CARE FOR THE AGING
In a time-gone-by-, useless old people were nailed in the attic. This not only eliminated quite a bit of chat about "when I was young," but cut down on heating bills.
Today we chuck them "in a home," at great expense and not a little "guilt." On balance, what, finally, is the "better" way? or are they simply two imperfect solutions to a knotty problem. Read more
Think about it.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
GRAFT
What makes our hearts beat high with Joy?
Graft. What’s better than a hot Page Boy?
Graft
What buys our house on the Maine Seashore,
And pays for a night with a Las Vegas escort?
I’ll tell you now what I Told You Before.
Graft.
My favorite poem,
Sincerely,
Your President, Charles H.P. Smith
March 28, 2008
YOGA
Yoga is responsible for more human vice and misery than any force I know.
Children in India steal, some from their very parents, to get money for the study of yoga.
I would rather have a child on drugs than “on” yoga. Read more
For there is an organization especially created to counter drugs, we call it the police, but where are the heroes, standing up to the scourge of yoga?
I therefore have asked congress to prepare a bill which will be named: “Defense of the Country – The War on Yoga”.
Your President, Charles H.P. Smith
P.S. If you see anyone “bending over” too long – call the police.
March 26, 2008
STOLEN ART TREASURES
It now comes out, My Fellow Americans, that most of the art “treasures” you and I were dragged to see in our school years, when the tuna fish ate through the bread, the mild was sour and the orange squooshed, most of that “art,” I say, was stolen.
In the “Golden Days” we called those methods by which the art was obtained “purchase;” now we see that it was gotten from fat, greasy “dealers” wearing picturesque native costume indicating that they must have stolen it. And so it wasn’t “purchased” at all, but swiped. Read more
Why, however, I ask, prosecute the museums where this Art now hangs? Why not go after those movie villains who misled us?
Yes, they are dead, and yes, their sons have gotten slim and drive around the European Capitols seducing white women with their dad’s ill-gotten gains. And yes their daughters are chained to the stove or whatever they cook on, willing their fat husbands to come home from the Bazaar, but: isn’t it worth a try?
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 24, 2008
EASTER
Many fine people are Catholic.
The Pope himself is Catholic.
This is what is known as an “entry level requirement.” That is, if he were not Catholic, he could not even hope to be a priest, let alone “rise to the top of the tree.” Read more
In this country, I believe, it is now the law, that no one can be discriminated against because of their religion: so, theoretically, anyone could enter the “priesthood,” and insist on timely, regular promotions, ending, in the course of events, as Pope.
But the Pope is, and has always been, elected in Italy, a country without our regard for human rights. Yes, they are kind, and love to spend the evening sipping wine, and looking out over the low hills, falling away to the blue Mediterranean, or, in the hilly areas, shooting each other with a sawed-off shotgun. But they display a – some would say – old-fashioned rigor in determining who gets to be the Pope.
Easter is coming, a holiday celebrated not alone by Catholics, but by Christians worldwide.
Anyone can celebrate Easter. It need not involve the practice of “religion,” you can just boil an egg, dye it, and have some kid roll it down the lawn. If you do not possess a lawn, you must be Christian, for then you can go to church. Jews cannot go to church, so they require a lawn.
Be tolerant. Remember, one day that might just by you on the short end of the stick.
And Happy Easter,
Charles H.P. Smith, President
March 21, 2008
GOOD FRIDAY
Religion has no place as part of our political life. Our founding fathers made this clear when they wrote that man is endowed by his creator with inalienable rights, they understood that a later, wiser time would reject the statement.
Why? As it refers to “man,” rather than “persons;” to “his” creator and to “creator,” rather than “creator or creatress.” Read more
Am I being picayune? I don’t think so.
Noted academics have established that Wm. Shakespeare did not write his plays. These “Shakespeare” plays, they teach, were written by a guy called “Francis Bacon,” who injected them with a code, which, when deciphered, confirms that Shakespeare did not write them.
The founding fathers, similarly, stuck their code right up there, at the top of the Declaration of Independence. “Reject this, reject this, reject this.” Reads the code “it is sexist, and restrictive, and, if false in one thing, necessarily false in all: we do not mean that there is a god. So keep religion out of public life!!!
It’s all right there, folks. We’re descended from the apes, and anyone who doubts it should go to a zoning meeting.
But whatever your religion, or, indeed, if you have none, I wish you all those things appropriate on this Good Friday.
God Bless You,
Charles H.P. Smith, President.
March 19, 2008
GOODNESS
Goodness is that for which we aim. Goodness does not exist in the real, but in the world of dreams. Dreams are more real than reality. Reality is the enemy of change. Change is not illusory but real as hope. Hope is the thing with feathers. Feathers are those things we pluck off chickens Read more
And I believe we all know what chickens are.
Dare to dream. Dare to be real. Dare to hope, and hope to dare.
And remember, double dares go first.
Olley Olley In Free.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 17, 2008
ST. PATRICK’S DAY
Happy St. Patrick’s Day my Fellow Americans.
Yes, we have all come here on different ships, but we are in the same boat.
With the exception of the Scandinavians, who came here, in I believe, airplanes, as, being white, there were not restrictions on their immigration, and they thus could save the money which those racially less fortunate might have had to pay to “coyotes” and other smugglers-across-the-border of those desiring freedom. Read more
The Irish, to whom we owe “St. Patrick,” came here, in the main in the late Eighteenth Century, due to their potato famine. They were, thus, the first to swear off carbohydrates. And they have broke the trail in other ways, bringing us clog dancing, big city corruption, and Mercedes McCambridge.
Do not drink and drive.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 14, 2008
CHANGE
Everything changes. The kitten becomes a cat. This cannot be reversed. This escapes the Conservatives. But, as when you get no the bus, you need exact change.
This escapes the Liberals.
In the old days, if you did not have that exact change, they would throw you off the bus. But they had tokens. These “tokens” were little round pieces of metal, and they “stood in” for the fair. Read more
Some kids perceived these “tokens” were the same size as a washer, and would throw a washer in the hopper to avoid paying the fare. I never did this.
Yes, I had washers around the garage (who did not?). And, yes, I had one in my pocket, when that group of boys was arrested for using washers on the bus. And, yes, some of those boys were charged, not only with that misdemeanor, but with counterfeiting. And some of them are still in jail.
I was asked, recently, if I “keep in touch” with them. I do not. They are criminals. Can they be rehabilitated? No, they cannot change, but time will change them, narrowing both their desire for anti-social action, and their opportunities. See: time has eliminated the metal bus token, replacing it with a “car.” How wondrous is change.
CHPS
March 12, 2008
FEMINISM
Feminism may be all very well and good for Women, who, after all, are “female,” and it may have benefits for Men, too; who, though not technically “female,” do share some fo the same chromosomes, and are equally capable both of “seeing a thing from all sides,” and, when the chips are down, of pouting and withholding sex if their feelings are hut. Read more
Some of us are baling, and some of us are bitching, but we’re all in the same boat.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 10, 2008
MY FAITH
My faith is not a sometimes thing. My faith is a constant – it is always with us. Not unlike a cold sore, poverty, or Alan Greenspan. It will never go away.
I believe deeply.
I believe in abstinence. This comes not from a conviction of its social use (less teen pregnancy, more time for “study,” etc), but from the film WHERE THE BOYS ARE. Read more
You will recall that Yvette Mimeux “put out” and came to a bad end, while Paula Prentiss (the good girl), kept her legs together and found a husband.
I have asked Congress to pass a law requiring every schoolchild in the land to watch this film.
Faith Can Move Mountains.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 7, 2008
SUPER DELEGATES
Much has been written lately about “the super delegates,” and I know some of you have, understandably, confused them, in your minds, with “the Justice League of America.”
“The Justice League of America” is a bunch of super heroes, comprising, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Robin, and, I believe, the Incredible Hulk and maybe The Flash and Green Lantern. Read more
The Super Delegates, on the other hand, are a bunch of paunchy over-the-hill guys (and women in charge of adding the “surprise” factor to the upcoming convention.
Therefore they, as entertainers, are closer to the “wild card” presenters on the old game shows than they are to super heroes. They have no super powers, and only the one trick, which is to tritze in and change the result of the voting.
I was very much affected, as a kid, by the members of the JLA. Both as super-individuals, and as the members of a group. For while The Flash could run on water, Green Lantern had completely different skills, and, so, you had that division of labor upon which this country was founded, and no which it ran until, of late. Everyone is sitting around in an office cubicle, playing the same game of “solitaire.”
Respect your co-workers, respect your boss, be true to your spouse, and buy American, wherever the product was made.
Sincerely,
Charles H.P. Smith, President
March 5, 2008
MY DOG FLUFFY
It has been noted that I have a dog. My dog is Fluffy, and many have commented that often, when he is with me, I cry.
Some say this is because I have a “big heart;” some say it is because I am overly sentimental. It is neither.
I am allergic to him, and my tears are a physiological reaction. Read more
Some say I should give him up, but I will not. I feel about my dog the same way I feel about my country: I love him, and I will stand by him, however much he irritates my nasal passages.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
March 3, 2008
DOLPHINS
Many of us saw the movie where the dolphin saved the world, or went for help because its owner was drowning or something, or out of cash because of a failed real-estate transaction. We see such around us today, where the unwary, lured into bad loans by fellows in checked suits, are being asked to pay them back. Read more
Those same sea creatures which amused us in that film, and with whom one may swim at various upscale resorts ringing the Ocean World, are – it is a matter of record – not only being used as ballistic delivery systems by the Navy, but are finding themselves ground up and sold as tuna fish. What other creature can make this dual claim.
Just a thought from...
Your President, Charles H.P. Smith
February 29, 2008
Leapday Blog
Happy Leapday, My Fellow Americans!
This day, “Leapday” was inserted into the Grogorian Calendar to correct an essential error in our calculations. For a year is not 365 days long. Sometimes it just seems that way, as when we are young, and we wonder how we are ever going to hold out til Christmas, or if we have been incarcerated for rape, or perjury, and look forward to the never-approaching time of our release, or to the arrival in the mail of Playboy or the Weekly Standard, depending on our offense. The Aztecs believed that the year was 260 days long. So to them, the year was 260 days long. Read more
This means that they celebrated not only Christmas, but Income Tax Day more often, so, as we see, there is a benefit and a cost for everything.
Note: Our civilization has 105 more days in the year than the Aztecs, which is why we have prevailed, while their civilization is but a dim memory.
The French keep shortening the workweek, which they now have made official at 12 and a half days a month.
Employ your time. Use this Leapday wisely. Get out more, say “hi” to your neighbors.
Remember, it’s only once every four years.
A “timely” message from, your president, Charles H.P.Smith
Fenruary 28, 2008
GANGSTA RAP
I was brought up to open the door for women, and to help little old ladies across the street.
I, like the rest of the country, have been invited to refer to both categories as “ho’s,” and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is important to maintain civility while doing so, and I strive to do so every day. Read more
I love my wife, and have instructed the Marines that, while it is of course acceptable to address her “Yo, bitch,” they must still and always stand when she enters the room, and risk their lives to save her when and if “the rag heads” try again.
Be Hip, but Be Courteous.
Your President,
Charles H.P. Smith
February 25, 2008
INTERNATIONAL AID
American has long been the leader in throwing wads of cash at corrupt and savage dictators around the world.
But there is another and more charitable view of our actions which, I believe, many may have overlooked: this money comes back. Read more
Much like the bread upon the waters, the money which we’ve, openhanded, thrown at backward savages, warlords, and their U.S. advertising firms, returns to us in the inflated real estate prices of those cities lucky enough to dot our two shores, and in the astronomical price of designer handbags. And it is on the subject of these handbags which I would like to address you now.
Who, I ask, but those possessed of criminal “flight capital” could afford or would be fool enough to buy a twenty nine cent stitched together hunk o junk to tote their trash around in? No one but dictators and their wives and mistresses.
There’s a lesson in this, and I humbly share it with you. For years, your treasury has been putting, on those little green slips of paper (money), the U.S. seal, and various archaic symbols designed to suggest that this “money” is worth something. It has not worked, it will not work, it can not work.
Therefore: I have suggested to the “Federal Reserve Bank”, that, in the future, they have the “mint” print on our currency the symbols of those design houses which, for years, they’ve been putting on the handbags.
Our currency, thus, would not “represent” something valuable, but would be valuable (collectible) in its own right. Bear with me and, together, we can see this through.
Yours,
Charles H.P. Smith, President
February 20, 2008
DON'T ASK DON'T TELL
We are in the fifteenth year of that policy known as DON’T ASK DON’T TELL. In this decade-and-a-half, what have we learned?
First, that people were neither asking not telling before the institution of the policy; and, second, that everyone is both asking and telling now.
Am I crazy, or is this precisely the reverse of the effect which was intended? Read more
I, therefore, and out of respect for that President who instituted the policy, am asking that it be renamed “REALLY DON’T ASK AND DON’T TELL.”
And, pee ess, this means you; so if you are a serving member of the Armed Serviced, and you have the urge either to indulge in homosexual practices or to peek at people doing so and then gossip about them, this is the new memo. Really. Don’t do it.
This means YOU.
Your Commander in Chief
President Charles H.P. Smith
February 18, 2008
WORLD UNDERSTANDING
An infant grapples with every darned thing. It cannot walk, It cannot speak. In short, it is quite basically up the creek unless someone takes care of it.
This is why we have teenaged mothers.
A world-view, of a country, similarly, must be informed by those with more power to understand: The leaders. Read more
It is they to whom we turn for reassurance, comfort, explanation, and those other things which, in the infant, may be summarized as “breast milk.”
As the election nears, let us think of this – and choose not the woman (or man) with the biggest bosoms, but him (or her) who, while not actually sticking their chest in our mouths, can approximate the service.
Thank you,
Most sincerely,
Charles H.P. Smith, President of the United States
February 14, 2008
VALENTINE'S DAY
The Ancients asked “What is better than love?” And they answered “Chocolate,” giving us this holiday.
Some say “it is the cocoa trust which foists upon us this goad to obesity,” to which I respond, “so what?” Do we blame the grain merchants for drunkenness and spouse abuse, the drug cartels for addiction, death, and crime? Read more
Some said that the C.I.A. ran drug traffic out of South East Asia during the Vietnam war (1963-1975), but, in any organization, a business, or a family, the money’s go to come from somewhere. Which leads me to the subject of the Red Cross.
A lot has been written about their “alleged,” and I emphasize “alleged” role in what the disaffected choose to call “the traffic in human flesh.”
I say, “wait and see.”
Let’s not rush to judgment. Let’s sit back, in our hot tub, or abandoned bus (as our financial position decrees) and drink our champagne, eat our chocolate, and gaze with new-found love, upon the object of our affection, that Significant Other, without whom a whole race of psychologists would be out-of-work.
Yours Ever,
Charles H.P. Smith
Fenruary 13, 2008
VALENTINES DAY
Dearest Americans,
I love you high, I love you low,
I love you in the sun and snow.
I love you in the sleet and rain,
I love you when you are insane.
As when my approval ratings fall,
and I wonder if you’re paying attention at all.
Or if I’m just talking to a wall. Read more
Yours for a world just brimming full of kindness while not tipping over into inappropriate sexual behavior and innuendo in the workplace.
Charles H.P. Smith
February 11, 2008
HATE CRIMES
I hate hate crimes, as, personally, I have suffered them.
When young, a contest I found in the back of a comic book earned me “credits”, which I used to buy a bicycle.
These “credits”, had to be augmented with cash: and, as I look back, it becomes clear that the cash itself could, in all likelihood, have purchased me a better bicycle than that which I ”earned” working for that magazine. Read more
Better in what way, you ask, and I respond: in gearing, steering, comfort, speed, and braking.
In any case. I had not been in possession of that bicycle more than one afternoon, when it was stolen. And I have always considered that theft a hate crime, as I cannot for the life of me come to the conclusion that the theft was an act of love.
“Indifference”, yes, but not of love. Love, for me, is the outpouring of emotions suitable to smoky afternoons, classical music (or, at least, Johnny Mathis), good friends, good conversation, perhaps espresso (as its ingestion as the afternoon wanes toward the evening does tend to keep one awake). These are the thoughts which I associate with love, and not the theft of boy’s bicycle. Call me old-fashioned, I remain,
Yours truly,
Charles H.P. Smith, President of the United States
February 5, 2008
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
I’m sure you recall that when you were young and heard phrases which in their, to your young mind’s incomprehensibility, became a sort of magic.
I remember that time, and recall my Father. He was very much involved in politics, and Election times, at my house, featured heated discussions. I remember his face as he said “stuffing the ballot box,” or “voting the dead;” and, to my mind, these words obtained a magical significance. Read more
“Stuffing the Ballot box,” I, of course, associated with Thanksgiving; and “voting the dead,” with Halloween. Is it, then, surprising that I, to this day, associate election time with wondrous unforeseen surprises, and unearned gifts?
Happy Holidays.
Your President
Charles H.P. Smith
February 4, 2008
ON THE SUBJECT OF THE CONSTITUTION
The constitution is one of the foundation documents of this great country. No, it is not written on stone, it is written on parchment or the skins of some animal which, though perhaps endangered now, was, at the time of its composition, perfectly disposed to have its skin written on.
Is this different than tattooing? Yes and no. Read more
Tattooing is a custom brought to thee shores by those intrepid mariners who first ventured to the great south seas, bringing syphilis and bringing back coral, pineapples, and those cunning print shirts so popular during the summer months.
Tattooing is also used, as we know, in identification of the lips of horses, poodles, and other beasts both of burden and enjoyment. These tattoos identify the animals, should they be lost or stolen. So the next time you see an ownerless horse, thank those visionaries who drafted that compact which keeps us safe and secure: your constitution.
Sincerely,
Charles H.P. Smith, President of the United States
January 28, 2008
TORTURE
French Movies are torture. In-laws are torture. The word has become degraded through overuse, and the New Thing is, for once, better than the old. No one ever said that French movies are “enhanced interrogation.” Read more
HEALTH CARE
It has been driven home to me that health care costs are too high when, around the country, people are taking doctors at gunpoint and demanding to have their ears examined. This has got to stop. Waxy buildup can also be combated by eating more bulk. Simpler is better.
January 18, 2008
DETAINEES
It is said that the oldest law is “thou Shalt Not Kill,” but I suggest that it is, perhaps, predated by “finders, keepers." Read more
TAXES
I promise not to raise taxes; for taxes take money from the pockets of the workers and put it in the hands of the shirkers. Taxes are the sign of decay. Rome fell because of Taxes, as did Soviet Russia, Nazi Germany, the Duchy of Gran Fenwick, and the French Monarchy. No one in his right mind would raise taxes when he can just print money.
January 14, 2008
CONGRESSIONAL PAGE SEX SCANDALS
It seems to me that, at issue here is not the morality of the Legislators, but that of the pages: can we not fill these positions with young folks who can just say “no”? Read more
ABSTINENCE ONLY TRAINING
My endorsement of this measure, issued in blue covers, first referred to as the “blue Bills”, have come to be known, on late night Talkshows, as “The Blue Balls.” This, while accurate, is disrespectful to my Office.
January 10, 2008
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
WE might note that Illegal immigrants, are, as the term implies, first and foremost, immigrants, which is to say, that they forfeited any claim on our compassion even before they broke the law.
Read more
STEM CELL RESEARCH
The best that this research could accomplish would be to prolong the lives of people who were going to die anyway. Is it worth the aggravation?
December 11, 2007
My Fellow Americans: It is with an understandable excess of those feelings associated with occasions of this kind that I address you today.
This country functions not only because of, but in spite of every man, woman, and child legally within its borders. Those borders stretch from Canada, “Snow Covered Landmass” to the North, down to “The Sleeping Giant on our Doorstep,” Central and South America. Which were and continue to function not only as a “buffer,” but, in many ways, as countries in their own right, shielding us from the incursions of a hostile world. Read more
We must go forward, as part of a heritage of Faith which brought the pilgrims to our shore, fleeing oppression in the only way open to them at the time: ships.
Are we not equal in the sight of God?
If so, let petty differences disappear, in full-hearted endorsement of whatever programs I have been graced to envision. For “one hand full, with quietness,” is, as we read in The Bible, better not only than “two hands full with strife,” but than the benefits of so-called “free and fair elections.”
A little child in Oregon said to me: “Mister President, be good to us…be kind,” and pressed into my hand a crayon drawing of an ostrich. That drawing, today, rests in a place of honor on my desk – encased in Lucite, next to the coin which the first President threw across a river.
We will not be defeated. We must press on, looking neither to the right nor to the left, but looking forward – toward that day which even the most cynical among us must realize is The Future. There is a New Day dawning in America. Seven days a week.
Join with me and embrace it.
God bless you.
Charles H.P. Smith
December 6, 2007
GAYS IN THE MILITARY
Gays should be allowed, to fight ONLY people of the same sex.
GAY MARRIAGE
Gays should be allowed to marry, but not to divorce; thus coupling liberty with punishment for their abominable practices. Read more
CONGRESSIONAL SEX SCANDALS
Congressmen should be allowed to turn over a new leaf, but not allowed to turn over one of the pages.
THE VALIDITY OF TORTURE
It should be recognized that information can be extracted only from those people possessing information; and that no one likes to give up their possessions without a little waterboarding.
REINSTATING THE DRAFT
This should be accomplished by a lottery including both the carrot and the stick: High numbers should go into the Armed Forces, but LOW numbers should be rewarded with the status of Honorary Indians, thus participating in gambling revenues. Actual Native Americans, however, receiving ?honorary? status should be inducted in the Military for "double-dipping."
